A wave 

Friday night was the first time in six months or more that I had a panic attack. My chest was tight and I couldn’t stop crying. That ugly, heaving crying – the kind when you’re gasping for air and strange noises come from somewhere deep in you. I’d gone weak, tired, shaky, temporarily. 

My body just caught up with a nine-month-tidal-wave of change. I haven’t felt so shocked about who I am, or where I’m headed in a long time.

I’ve only just realised a large part of me has been almost non-existent, and while I can’t put my finger on what that is, it’s been growing in me all year. So quickly emerging that sometimes I haven’t been aware of it… how did I get from there to here?

Maybe at times I’ve been a little reckless, impulsive, but there’s been a lot of gentleness too. Self love. Introspective to say the least, and challenging as fuck.
It’s been a selfish ride to many outsiders, I know. I’m grateful for the few people who have accepted where I’m at.
Ask the universe and you shall receive.

So in light of all the panic, I realised how little “me time” I’d given myself recently – not much. I tend to commit to more than I should, and sometimes just forget to prioritise my needs or health. 

Those needs are pretty simple – fresh air, sunlight, good, nutritious food, exercise, rest. To some, they may sound indulgent, to others, too little. 

Instead of going to the beach on a blissful Sunday morning, I opted (with confliction) to stay at home alone. I read for hours in the backyard sunlight, sipped coffee and slurped at watermelon. I played tunes (in competition with the whipper snipper next door), and did some yoga. What a difference half a day makes! 

Here’s what I learned / was reminded of, from a little alone time:

  • It’s possible to let go of the thoughts whirring around in your head.
  • The things you so urgently have to do, and the thoughts that were worthwhile will still be there when you’re done being alone. 
  • The thoughts that were cruel,  worriesome, that felt so overwhelming, are likely untrue. They won’t be there anymore.
  • You’ll be all kinds of calm, quiet and re-focused (maybe you’ll have had a good cry, a good dance, meditated) – you’ll have processed “stuff” whether you were aware of it or not. 

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